Planet of the ER
by Anniehow
Summary: I love this show to bits, but you have to admit it, they seem to always seek the audience's love... but what if they didn't anymore? Offshot, with a lame sequel


Planet of the ER Earth 

Year 2001

The human population is controlled and bullied very badly by the ER staff. Everyone abides to their wishes, everybody fears them. Nobody can stop them.

But how did it come to this? The answer lies a few years back…

A stranger named Luka Kovach had appeared on the scene… a mad guy had found easy access to a very big knife amongst a clutter of people professionally trained to not let that happen… and a strange wind was blowing from north…

Luka and Carol are standing outside in the ambulance parking lot; the automatic doors of the ER behind them seem to have gone crazy: they keep opening and closing, opening and closing….

Luka: Carol, it's time you forget Doug Ross. He's gone! I'm here. If you keep clinging to the past, they'll cancel you character too!

Carol: What are you talking about? Never mind, have you forgotten I have his babies?

Luka: That's never been a problem. Here, to reinforce the concept that I'm a great father and to add some more depth to my character, (not to mention getting some pity from my audience and being liked even more) I'll share a pitiful and hurtful moment of my mysterious and incrementally interesting past: a single baby picture of my dead daughter I always take around with me.

Carol: I feel like crying.

Luka: They're all I've got left of my family. All.

Carol: Now I feel like enveloping you into my arms and comforting you.

Luka: Look, I don't even have a picture of my only male son! I have to close my eyes and strain to remember him best as I can!

Carol: Ok, you've guilted me into keeping up this pseudo-relationship with you. But be warned – If Doug ever sends me animal crackers, I'll fly out to wherever he is at a moment's notice, break your heart and loose my job and all my friends, since they'll stop talking about me.

Luka: That's ok with me. A heartbreak will get me even more in the good graces with my public. Some people still don't accept me for who I am: a beautiful, dark, mysterious stranger who has to replace a beautiful, dark, mysterious well-known actor who wanted too much money. Any help I can get is welcome.

Carol: All right then, but remember: no sex!

Luka: Did I mention the fact that I live on a rundown boat on the lake? It's very cold and lonely…

Carol: Oh Luka! ( she hugs and kisses him)

Voice off screen: Hey! Ow! Wai- Ow! Wait! Ow!

They both turn to see Carter trying to get past the automatic doors: they keep slamming into him so quickly he can't seem to get away. Finally, with a big leap, he's outside.

Carol: Gosh John, are you all right?

Carter: Yeah… funny though, that's always been my nightmare: caught up in the automatic doors, no way to escape… Do you feel any sympathy yet?

Carol: Aaah… yea, kinda… no, wait, I just think that's weird.

Carter: (hurt) Oh.

Carol: Weird in a pitiful way, though. (She adds, trying to help)

Carter: This ain't working, Luka. Don't you have any other advice?

Luka: It does work! You're just not doing it right! A nightmare about being caught up in a closing door, for crying out loud!

Carter: How 'bought this: Yesterday I dreamt I was stabbed nearly to death in the line of duty. How's that?

Luka: No, no, you still don't get it: It's only a dream! Look. Carol? Did I mention that my whole family was killed after my home was bombed?

Carol: Not really, why?

Luka: (with a quivering lip) I made the decision to leave them all in that day. They wanted to come out with me! I thought I was protecting them that way!

Carol: Oh Luka! (sobbing, she hugs him)

Luka: (whispering to Carter) See? It's not how bad it is, It's how emotionally wrecked you can get.

Carter: (nodding, a little envious) Yea, I get it. Say, Luka, you speak remarkably good English to be a foreigner who was born and studied in Croatia.

Luka: (alarmed) Humm, yea, thanks…I…I… I took evening courses.

Carter: During the war?

Luka: Gotta go! Emergency's arrived!

Carter: (under his breath) Saved by the bell. At least for this time…But one day Benton and I will be back on the top of the most liked character countdown… we've been around far too long to get bummed by this new kid on the block. Which reminds me, I have a war meeting with Benton, I better get there.

And so it went on, jealousies forming around, tension rising… the powers that be added a big evil to counteract Kovach's well liked character: Dr Dave…

Inside box three

Dr Dave: ( to a wailing patient) Hey, d'ja mind? I'm trying to fix my boss's car here! Never seen such dirty suspensions…

Hunched over some machinery, he pulls out a walkman and a pair of earphones and plays it.

The patient keeps wailing pitifully. Carter walks in.

Carter: Dave, how many times do I have to tell you: Keep. Auto. Parts. Outside. Hospital. It's not that difficult.

The patient starts coughing up blood.

Carter: Oh, humm, Dave, is that you patient? It looks pretty bad. Maybe you should really get a look at him, he- ops, never mind. Seriously, if you don't do something to be liked a little more, they're gonna cancel you. You should at least agonize over the loss now. Dave? ( he pulls the earphones away)

Dave: Hey! What's the big idea? I said I'd do it in a moment… Oh! Carter, it's you. What?

Carter: (after giving him a long look) Nothing.

All evil characters, however, had soon caught up with the game. All over the hospital people were trying to be liked more and more. Soon this led to misunderstandings…

Dr Dave bursts into the ER, his face all cut and swollen, a drenched unconscious boy in his arms.

Dave: (screaming) Help me! I saved this poor, helpless child with curly blond hair from a sewer, where he fell after a ruthless politician left a hole open in the ground in the field where he was innocently playing in the pouring rain!

Dr Green turns around and watches, indifferent to the scene.

Dr Green: Been there, done that. Too late kiddo, Ross already did that, and he's been kicked out anyway.

Dave: Oh. How 'bout I sue the ruthless politician, then?

Dr Green: This is the ER, not Law & Order. Find something else.

Dave: Are you sure? I had to pay the kid fifty bucks to jump in and come out again… I didn't really feel like going myself you see… it was the sewer…

Dr Green: Just drop it already!

Dave: (disappointed) All right. ( he dumps the child in a heap in a corner, walks out and then bursts back in) Help! I was beaten nearly senseless when I tried to overcome a mafia owned pharmacy where they were selling prescription drugs like peanuts! I'm lucky to be alive! And I did it just to help some patients who came in with tummy aches.

Dr Green: A little corny, but thumbs up for the reflexes. C'mon, let's make it even worse: Kerry will medicate you and you can flinch and howl like a cowboy.

Dave: And…and…and the patients were all Latin Americans!

Dr Green: Good one! C'mon, lets go.

Just as they are turning around, Carter bursts through the doors. He is looking pretty bad, splattered in mud with his shirt tied around his neck and arm as a makeshift sling. Lucy Knight is trailing behind him with a man handcuffed to her wrist.

Lucy: ( proudly exhibiting the handcuffs) We did it!

Dave: That's old news. Everybody knows about your little adventure in the exam room. I admit I didn't know about your taste, but a threesome…

Lucy stares, not understanding.

Carter: We went out in the freezing cold to chase down this terrible father who happens to have the same extremely rare blood type as his daughter, who's upstairs fighting with death. And we did it during our free time.

Dr Green: (impressed) Good idea.

Lucy: Just to round things up a bit, we also saved an entire neighbor from a lethal epidemic. Pretty cool, huh?

Dave: (getting nervous) Yea…

Carter: And look! I dislocated my shoulder falling in a garbage pit looking for an illegal rooster fight. We shared a tense moment, you see, she had to put it back in with no pain medication and she had never done one before.

Luka: ( passing by) Carter! You're learning pretty quickly! Did I mention to anyone that I had to buy a secondhand car and they gypped me just because I'm poor and foreign? It broke down after two days!

Carter: Where is that place? My car was robbed and burned, I need to replace it.

Luka: Well, I was going to bring Carol there… she needs a car and we could share some terrible memories… I don't think you would want to come.( With a pointed glare)

There are murmurs. He seems to have won yet again, but Carter has one last strike.

Carter: (very slowly, with a proud grin) I left my girlfriend to go and look for this guy. She broke my heart.

Everybody explodes in cheers. He has outwitted the master. Dave, still thinking he stands a chance, grabs the nearest IV pole and inserts it in his arm.

Dave: Hey everyone! I have the flu and I'm still working!

Nobody pays him attention. They all slap Carter on the back, congratulating him.

In the background, Dave slumps to the ground. ( Remember children: always check what's inside an IV bag before you insert the needle. You can never be too careful with what you're putting in your blood stream. )

Luka is strangely calm. He taps Mark on the shoulder.

Luka: Excuse me, Dr Green? Where can I find a couple of boxes of animal crackers?

Suddenly, it wasn't about the show, the emotions, the quality anymore: it had become a contest: Survivor.

Kerry Weaver appears, trailing a blond woman behind her

Kerry: Hey everybody! I'm a lesbian! I'm having an affair with this doctor… what's you name again? Never mind, you're not important. Just stand around and look professional.

Dr. Green: Whoa, Kerry, are you sure it's the right thing to do? Dr. you-know-who was a lesbian, and she disappeared without any explanation…

Kerry: You mean Dr. Doyle?

Everybody: Shhhhhh! Don't mention the name of somebody they got rid of! It brings bad luck!

Kerry: Anyway, I'm just keeping her 'round for a couple of weeks at the most. Maybe help her someway, dunno, give her a loan or something, then discover her cheating on me and break my heart. That always helps.

Dr. Green: So I've noticed.

Kerry: What about you Mark? Any emotional disaster coming up? That whole "attack in the bathroom" is getting old.

Dr. Green: Yea, I know, I know. Elizabeth and I have a great plan, though. I'll propose, she'll accept, I get brain cancer, she gets pregnant.

Kerry: ( delighted ) My God, Mark! That's sheer genius! No wonder you're the best around here!

Dr. Green: Thank you, thank you. Elizabeth helped, though.

As they're talking, Rocket Romano appears, trailing a young man behind him.

Malik: Dr Romano, did you hear the news? Kerry Weaver is gay!

Romano: Shit. All right, already done, you get out of here.

He turns around and shoos the young guy out of the door, then comes back in with a big black dog, a small child hanging from the leash.

Romano: I have feelings! This dog is my only companion and now it… uh, she needs surgery! I'll do it personally!

Kerry: That's… very original. Congratulations Rocket, uh, Robert.

Small child: Uh, mister? Can I have my dog back now?

Life was gliding on as if it would never stop. No one realized what was really happening until it was too late.

Carter: I still don't see why it should be me.

Benton: Quit being a crybaby, John. Everybody will benefit, we'll make Luka pass as an ass and… besides, you won't be alone! Lucy will do it too!

Carter: It just doesn't sound right to me. Stabbed in the line of duty… won't it make me a bit obnoxious?

Benton: Look, you didn't have a better idea, did you? Just go with it. Afterwards you can get an emotional breakdown or something.

Carter: Oh! Oh! Can I become a drug addict?

Benton: No, Lucy is already doing that. And she gets paralyzed, remember.

Carter: And then becomes a great psychiatrist, I know, I know.

Benton: Right, I'll go and tell everybody to start the party. You go in and get stabbed.

Carter: Whatever.

Later that evening.

Chuny: Oh my God! I just got word from upstairs! Lucy is dead!

Dave: Gosh, how did that happen?

Malik: She was stabbed, you nincompoop.

Dave: Yea, but… she wasn't supposed to die… It was just a bit of fun…

Everybody looks at him suspiciously.

Dave: No! No, I mean… you know what I mean. Oh, shit. Well, I'll just go and get an old lady to spray Mace in my eyes. Maybe it'll help.

Kerry: Don't you see what trying to be liked has brought us to do? One of us got killed! From now on, we'll do what we want, and people will have to like us!

Romano: Yes! Baby seals, here I come! ( he picks up a big club and wanders off screen)

Dr. Green: We'll control the program!

Benton: Why stop there? We can control the whole planet, enslave viewers and make them plan their days around our lineup!

Luka: Don't we already do that?

Benton: But now they'll do our every bidding! From now on, this will be our planet! This will be the…PLANET OF THE ER!

And so it did.

End


End file.
